I wish I had somebody to talk to. I'm slowly drifting away. All my friends are just there. I can't even call them friends anymore. I feel so left out. Of course we should bond with Raetana, because she's leaving. But I don't ever know what Raetana and Audrey are talking about half the time. I've been so sad and lonely lately. I want to just cry all the time.

I don't know. Always about Doctor Who, always giggling with one another. I don't even know anything because they barely teach me anything. I want to know, I want to be apart too. But nah, I'm left out. Today when I came into the cafeteria this morning, they were talking about Doctor Who. I just sat down. Not acknowledged by anybody, until Alodie came. She sat across from me. I tried doing my French homework, but I couldn't. I can't do anything hen I'm sad. When I'm sad, I get lazy and unproductive. There's nobody I can talk to. It's so hard. I can't express my feelings to anybody. I can't tell them how I feel. I can't tell them, when they call me dumb or stupid, it actually makes me want to burst into tears. Whenever they laugh at me for doing something that's not likely, I just want to   run into the bathroom and cry. But no. I always laugh and say "Huh? Yeah. Hehe."

Like today, I was talking about how Anette came over to my house. I get that it's a bit funny and unlikely, since Anette is popular, and I always say I hate her (but I really don't. She just aggravates me. Same with Angela.) so Jessica thought it was really funny for some reason. And I got really mad. I mean. What's so funny? Anette's my friend. Okay. So what? Of course, I know it's unlikely, but it's not that funny. Actually, it's not even funny. I told her to stop laughing and to stop talking to me. I ignored her for the rest of the day. I mean maybe I was making such a big deal about it, but I guess it was annoying because Jessica was laughing. I don't know. I take it as her making fun of me or something. And I guess I thought it was really offensive. Hah.

I don't know what I'm going to do next year. I probably won't have any friends. People think I'm such a freak and ... They won't ever understand me. I'm a really stubborn person and picky too. I'm not average. I don't do what everybody else does. It's not that I don't like hanging out with whites or other races, it's just that their actions are stupid. I don't want to be around stupid people. I don't want to risk my future. I don't want to be drawn into the world of bad. I don't want to act older than my age, because I'm not. People would misunderstand me. I'm sensitive and I cry over the littlest things.

There's this pain that always lies inside my chest. My heart. I know like this sounds cheesy. But I don't have another way to explain it. Everytime I see my 'friends' it's like something is tearing my insides apart. But it's not just friends that are making me sad and upset.

I miss my dad. I wish he was here with me all the time like he used to be. Now I only see him like 2-3 times a week. We can't bond like we used to. I feel sorry to my parents. I'm sorry to them. I wish I didn't have a bitchy attitude at them. I wish I didn't. I love them with all my heart. From now on, I want to do everything they say. I want to make their lives easier. I want to make them proud.

I wish I had friends that could understand me. A real friend. I wish my dad was here. I wish I didn't have such a deep thoughts. But I like them. All of this is just, unreal to me. It's just there to keep me happy. It's there to get my mind of things. That's life. Life isn't real. It's just a mask isn't it?